Seven SQL Server Signs the Illuminati Exist

April 1, 2019

Seven SQL Server Signs the Illuminati Exist

The signs that the Illuminati exist are all around us. You can find their marking on our buildings, on our currency, and even in our music videos.

The Illuminati thrive by spreading fear, uncertainty, and doubt (FUD). They’ve been using FUD for centuries to exert their influence in areas of government, religion, and finance.

And now they’re spreading their FUD in our technology, too.

I’m here today to point out seven additional signs that database professionals have overlooked for years.


Could there be a better piece of evidence that the Illuminati exist than NULLs? I don’t think so. NULLs represent the “unknown” and are a way for the Illuminati to spread their secrecy of the unknown throughout the world. I bet you have NULLs in your database right now. Go ahead and take a look. You’re staring right at the Illuminati when you do.

The only way to get rid of NULLs is to normalize your database beyond recognition. Most database designers simply accept NULL values as a necessity, especially for data warehousing and OLAP systems. But every time you allow a NULL value into your database, you’re accepting the fact that there’s something unknown and forces beyond your control.

Solid State Hard Drives (SSDs)

Created by the Illuminati to prey upon those companies and individuals that like to throw hardware at their performance problems, SSDs contain proprietary technology that the Illuminati use to control the flow of information. Use of SSDs is on the rise these days, even though bad code can (and often does) bring the best hardware to its knees.

Purchasing SSDS to fix nonexistent performance problems is just one way the Illuminati get companies to achieve less by spending more.

Globally Unique Identifiers (GUIDs)

GUIDs were invented by the Illuminati in the late 1980s as a way to track all data across all database platforms throughout the world. Today, GUIDs have spread to the cloud where we are told “not to worry” about their use. Who would tell you to not worry about using GUIDs? Why, the Illuminati, of course!

The drain on database performance from using GUIDs over time is well-documented, causing pain for the admins left to deal with the effects.


For years, we’ve been hearing that database servers were not candidates for virtualization. Who would be spreading such rumors? That’s right, the Illuminati would!

These days, it’s well-known that database workloads and databases of 140TB in size can be virtualized. Chances are, your systems don’t need as much size or throughput. So, what’s stopping you? Just the same old FUD you’ve been hearing for years.

Big Data

Big Data, Little Data, Dark Data, and the Internet of Things… all buzzwords created by the Illuminati to make you think that your current tools aren’t enough. The concepts behind the buzzwords are not new at all, just presented in a manner to keep everyone guessing as to what tools and knowledge are actually needed.

Chances are you already have the tools, knowledge, and skills necessary to cope with the changing data landscape. But knowledge is power, and that’s one thing the Illuminati don’t want you to have.


Remember when XML was all the rage? The Illuminati didn’t like the fact that XML provided rules for data structure, so they created JSON. XML offered the user the ability to create a schema around the data being transferred. This is not acceptable to an organization that thrives on anarchy!

JSON brings chaos from order by not allowing your data to have a schema, therefore allowing the Illuminati to continue their misinformation efforts.

Data Scientists

This wasn’t even a job title until a few years ago. But the Illuminati have managed to make everyone think it’s a real job. The fact is, these so-called “data scientists” are put into key positions at companies to control all the data analysis being done.

The Illuminati don’t want you to know that you don’t need a higher degree in mathematics or statistics to analyze data. They need you to think you aren’t good enough. That’s how they stay in control from the shadows.


Cloud technology is built upon commodity hardware, and the Illuminati wants to keep people using specialized devices that contain their secret technology. The cloud often provides significant financial advantages for many businesses, and we’ve already mentioned how the Illuminati want to help companies achieve less by spending more.

That’s why you keep hearing the message that companies can’t move to the cloud. It’s the Illuminati spreading their FUD again.


How can we fight back against this secret society? The answer is likely to involve PowerShell, command lines, and blue screens of freedom.

Knowledge is power, of course, so education and training help in the fight against FUD. Instead of just listening to someone tell you that you can’t virtualize a database server, or that the cloud isn’t the right choice for you, or that SSDs are the answer for everything, you should take the time to try things for yourself.

In other words, “trust but verify” should be the motto in our fight against the FUD being spread by the Illuminati with regards to database technologies.

Thomas LaRock is a Head Geek at SolarWinds and a Microsoft® Certified Master, Microsoft Data Platform MVP, VMware® vExpert, and former Microsoft Certified Trainer. He has over 20 years’ experience in the IT industry as a programmer, developer, analyst, and database administrator. LaRock has spent much of his career focused on data and database administration, which led to his being chosen as a Technical Evangelist for Confio Software in 2010, where his research and experience helped to create the initial versions of the software now known as SolarWinds® Database Performance Analyzer. LaRock has served on the board of directors for the Professional Association for SQL Server® (PASS), and is an avid blogger, author, and technical reviewer for numerous books about SQL Server management. He now focuses on working with customers to help resolve problems and answer questions regarding database performance tuning and virtualization for SQL Server, Oracle®, MySQL®, SAP®, and DB2®. He’s made it his mission to give IT and data professionals longer weekends.